Me, sex, Oprah and kids

First a preamble so nobody can mistake where I am coming from.

For the record I think sex is amazing and healthy and part of the joy of life. It isn't something to be ashamed of and it certainly isn't dirty. Some of the social circles I travel in or grew up in probably cast sex publicly as something "good" people don't do, which is unfortunate. The LDS Church officially believes and teaches that sex is sacred and should be saved for the bonds of marriage. Unfortunately, when this gets filtered through imperfect people it sometimes comes out, especially to teens, that sex is wrong and bad.

I think intimacy serves the purpose of bonding and binding people close together and I think it is a celebration of their commitment to each other, all of that outside of its other important purpose of creating life. I think both purposes are divine. Sometimes religions, or people in religions, so badly want to teach kids that sex is special and should be saved for the right time, they accidentally teach them that sex is bad. Worse, some religious people do think sex is bad. I disagree.

So, I am pro-sex.

Last Thursday Media Queen Of The World, known simply as Oprah, had Dr. Laura Berman on her show to tell parents how to talk to their kids about sex. Berman coached Oprah and her audience on the right words to say, the right attitudes to display to children and what to talk about at different ages. In fact, I downloaded her pdf "The Sex Ed Handbook," so I could read all of her instructions.

Oprah looked pretty uncomfortable during her own show and I am sure you can find clips of it somewhere and decide if I projected my uncomfortableness on the host. In short, I didn't like all of Berman's approach. She advises that we tell our children pretty much everything because they are going to learn it anyway.

I wonder how others feel about some of Berman's advice:

I found this humorous and I know I will not be following this advice: "Celebrate her bodily functions and be positive about them, not negative. For example, when changing her diaper, don't say, 'P-U! That stinks!' Instead, say, 'What a healthy bowel movement!' "

Apparently when I gagged and dry heaved and retched over my first-born's diapers, I was sending him a bad message. Sorry dude!

In the 2nd - 4th grades I am supposed to tell my kids, when they ask how sperm ended up in the woman's body that, "the man puts his penis inside the woman's vagina (anatomy lesson has happened already) and the sperm comes out of his penis in a fluid called semen, and it goes into her vagina. The sperm goes up into her uterus to her fallopian tube, where it meets the egg.

I don't feel like introducing "semen" into my 2nd grader's vocabulary. Am I crazy here? They can also live without "fallopian tube". I took my six-year-old to the body exhibit in town with dissected and naked bodies, but can I cultivate a healthy attitude without naming all the parts? They don't know what a kidney is either but they pee just fine.

5th and 6th grades gets you an anatomy chart. I included the male one here, so enjoy.

This is the age when I am supposed to discuss masturbation and orgasm with my child. Call it a hunch but I am pretty sure that isn't going to happen with a lot of people. It wasn't all that long ago that Bill Clinton fired his Attorney General for saying of the practice at a U.N. AIDS conference, ""I think that it is part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught." I just suspect a lot of people aren't ready to have that talk with elementary kids, even their own.

Then we talk about birth control, including abstinence, and, "You can show them the different options and even demonstrate by rolling a condom on a banana." Really?

Well, the problem children face is that puberty happens younger and younger and sexuality becomes something they will face in school. And, they will be getting this information from somebody so I would rather it come from me. Berman explains that information doesn't equal permission and I will wrestle with her guidelines and my values for a while I suspect.

She says also: "Teach your children that their sexuality is a gift and a joy and that it is something that should not be tossed aside or used and abused by others. Let them know that sex feels great and can be amazing—but only under the right circumstances and with the right person." I fully agree.

What made me a little relieved not to have a daughter was the prospect of this: "You might want to have a candid talk with her about exploring or learning about her body or even offer her a simple clitoral vibrator. (Don't worry, it doesn't have to be a large toy or a toy that is actually inserted into the vagina.)" Oh the "don't worry" part makes it all okay for me to talk about then?

I finally figured out that I live in a society where nothing is sacred. Religious practices and sexual practices don't need to be brought into the light of day and carefully examined and discussed. Some sexual discussions and practices are so special and so rare and sacred, that they should be discussed between lovers. It isn't anybody's business what I do in my bedroom, not even my kids need to know. And, if I teach them correct principals and healthy attitudes, I don't need to know about their sex lives either. I do need to create lines of communication but not everything needs to be hashed out between us.

I hope I can teach them to value their sexual selves enough to save it for that exchange with the right person. I hope that sex isn't a hidden, dirty, taboo but also that it isn't a cake recipe or like dissecting a cat in high school. A sexual experience need not be like the Xs and Os on a coaches blackboard. I hope I can teach that love is the ingredient that makes it truly matter and makes it great.

Still, Oprah's guest gave me a lot to think about and I suspect a lot of parents could learn a little from the "sex talk" guide, found right here. I will ponder her suggestions carefully and evaluate how I am helping my kids often.