Christmas Eve

On Christmas Eve there was a blizzard; a powerful, windy storm, the kind that puts people in fear of nature. It didn't seem especially dark outside, not even as dark as it should be near midnight but I couldn't see far, not even to the fence of my backyard from my upstairs bedroom window.

I can't put a finger on why exactly, but I become very quiet and thoughtful on Christmas Eve. The evening is always spent with family and is often loud and social. When finally getting home, it is quiet and the world is more quiet than usual.

So, this Christmas Eve, my thoughts were of spiritual matters, as seems appropriate - and soon after, friends. Thoughts of God and thoughts of friends really aren't disconnected at all but I do have friends, plenty I think, who have completely different views about God than I do. I make every effort to not emphasize these differences but to demonstrate genuine feelings of care I have for friends.

I am fond of people perhaps more than it is prudent to be. I expect very little from them but I sometimes feel for people and I do wonder if I draw conclusions about them that are false or imagined and love them from what I think I see about them.

Anyway, the world is a busy place but on Christmas Eve most people are home and most people are preparing for Christmas. I thought, on this night, of the many people I know around the U.S. and around the world that were doing about the same things I had done on the same night. Some had done them before me or after me but Christmas is still a universal experience and it was a comforting, touching thought.

I thought of my friends who live across the Salt Lake Valley, on the mountains opposite me. We should have a zipline between our homes so that neither party needs to decend into the valley and then climb the foothills again to visit. It looks like I can visit John's house on New Years Eve though. I thought of Steve and Deidra who live easy jogging distance away. I thought of Rick in his domed house. I thought of friends who have much less family. I considered friends from work and how much more time I actually spend with them than just about anybody including Shannon, Dresden or Logan. There is no comparison in terms of closeness but time is time.

I thought of friends in California, some who exchange messages or e-mail. I know a lot of West Coast people. Odd. Some of them because of culture and religion and societal pressures should be pitted against me but I certainly don't see enemies when I think of them and I do wonder if they do. I think of parents of a preemie baby and difficult daily challenge that is and a French woman who lives alone and allowed me to crash at her place for a couple of nights this summer. I wondered where her Christmas was. I considered a wealthy business owner I know and wondered what his intelligent mind was working over that night.

My mind turned to to sisters and their mother, split for now. I thought of Kenosha Wisconsin and Allentown Pennsylvania, Tennessee, Atlanta Georgia and its surrounding area, Long Island, Boston and then I traversed the ocean in moments and hopped a bit around Europe. My friend in the U.K. considers herself a Pagan-Christian or a Christian-Pagan so she was aware of the shortest night of the year and the birth of Jesus Christ both. Even two friends in Greece who probably don't remember me at all came to my mind.

To my regret I have not kept active friendships with the many people in New York City that I love so dearly. I think of them often and wonder in what ways I might have made different decisions and stayed in their lives and perhaps improved their lives or changed mine. I remember the noble but ugly struggles of Elsa and her crack addiction and her children but particularly her daughter Jessica. I saw such potential in her but the obstacles before her were immense, not the least of which was her self-esteem coming from as dysfunctional a childhood as one can imagine. Even her own children must be older than my own.

I thought of Jurrice Ballard. Can a single 21-year-old adopt a pre-teen girl who has managed to survive a hellacious childhood? No, but should I have tried? We last met on a porch with a tight bear-hug and tears in about 1995. She is grown and I hope somewhere her Christmas Eve was peaceful and so much better than my worst fears. Dominick, Pavola, Prudence, Ted, Karen, Shorty, Destiny, Frank, Peter, Purunday, Shakira, Joan and others were all somewhere having Christmas Eve. And former New York resident Murial who is dead but I have absolute belief that she lives on.

My new-Mommy friend in New Zealand - also with a preemie - may not even be Christian and I thought of her as well, even if she isn't celebrating Christmas Eve because it was yesterday already. I thought of others there who were well into Christmas Day while I was looking forward to it. As I always do, I had some candles burning.

Nothing even slightly profound came from all of this but it just settled into my mind that many people were having a common experience. I felt rich to have people I care about and poor to have not maintained stronger bonds with these people and so, so many others. It would actually be impossible to keep in regular touch. Facebook certainly helps.

It snowed powerfully all night. It would blanket everything, leaving only lumpy impressions of the true landscape outside my window.