Christmas Eve

Some Christmas Eve when I was in Middle School (Butler Middle School for some old classmates who might read here occasionally - GO BRUINS!) the holiday and Holy Day had a really interesting effect on me. It caused me to deeply contemplate life and myself and helped me appreciate quiet and stillness.

I realize that isn't a clear explanation, but it remains true. I find myself on most or maybe every Christmas Eve letting my mind settle and be silent. Perhaps part of this process is that all-night taco joints close, the behemoth Wal-Mart closes and nobody needs to wake up, rush around the house and go to work. Anyway, all this stillness is unique and carries its own feeling which leads me to contemplate.

Today was my father's 79th birthday and I am sorry to report he is losing most of his personal clarity. He still knew the 36 members of our family that gathered in the cultural hall (fancy name for the gymnasium that Mormons put in virtually every church) but he isn't at ease and he isn't always clear about what is happening.

To me he seems to be literally in a fog; shapes are indistinct and vague and he must concentrate hard to make sense of his environment. He is an old man and when I pat him on the shoulder and talk to him I can feel his bones protruding as his muscle and skin lose their vigor. This is sad of course but I don't write in hopes of sympathy, it just is the reality of medical science that keeps us alive for many years now but cannot preserve our youth. A retired co-worked Jill used to say, "Getting old isn't for wimps," and "It is hell getting old." Jill was being funny but she was also speaking truth.

I doubt that by DeVon's (my father) 80th birthday there will be much left of him mentally. I feel like his capacity for speech will be greatly diminished and his movement will be slowed. It is possible he will be completely stilled by then and while I would mourn his absence, I already mourn his loss.

What I meant to write about tonight is my families tradition of getting together on Christmas Eve and celebrating DeVon's Day by eating Mexican food (which I am sure a native Mexican wouldn't recognize at all). This year I convinced folks to meet at the above mentioned LDS chapel to make it easier for everybody. My oldest sister Kenda ended up taking on a crazy amount of work, driving (for example) for miles and hours to get "low carb" tortillas because I happened to mention my family likes them.

We ended up just about killing her with all the work she did and the unexpected and unfamiliar back agony she was in. She has an inability to do things the easy way because her standards are always excellent. I think I over-teased her about the amount of extra food we had, and I do deeply appreciate all her days of work, but I can't see that we can continue things like that. With a family as large as mine (four older sisters with grown children who have had babies many now) there is no great solution for how to continue this tradition. I wonder if the question of how to celebrate my father's birthday next year will become moot.

The other topic on my mind is that I believe in the literal reality of Christ as a savior. Intellectually I find my belief interesting or maybe even odd but it is as real as well. Sometimes its easy to accidentally give lip service, even in our own minds, to what that means but when I am still and contemplative, I remember that I genuinely believe it and all its powerful ramifications.

Ten other topics are swirling in my mind tonight. I wonder if I have found a better stride as a blogger.